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Current mood: 4 DAYS WITHOUT A DRINK...
Category: 4 DAYS WITHOUT A DRINK... Music
I was flicking through The NME in Bow Library, and I thought I saw Noel Gallagher...
Yes boss, it was in one of those dubious sections of todays mags, where they print a couple or 3 photo's of readers having their picture taken with a star:
You get the celeb trying their best to look like they give a shit, and some gurning loon, looking like they've just eaten a handful of ecstacy....
Now I reckon, these photos are the new autographs.
Yes boss in 20 years time people'll collect these digital PIC-signatures. They'll be obsessives with hard drives full of thousands of photos of strangers, relatives and friends (or even themselves) 'having it' into a camera lenses, alongside whatever celebrity they love..
They'll be conventions and the like, where folk'll do their swapsies....
I've noticed a similar thing at every televised sporting event...
Before, during and after the action, the cameras pan across the crowd.
Every so often there'll be a close-up of someone dressed as an elephant, or with their face painted in their teams or countries colours. The camera settles, then the man/woman or child in question see themselves on the big screen, and start jumping around like they've been electrocut-
and then the camera pans away....
I guess people love this because it's something of a novelty to be on TV. But it always seems so desperately mean to jump the camera away just as the folk start to leap about and enjoy their moment - I mean if the TV did that to me, I'd be fucking furious!!!
Dear Sir,
The other day I was attending Southampton Vs Man Utd and you briefly positioned your camera on me, before rushing away to a child dressed as a devil....
Now, I can only guess you thought my all red tracksuit and ear muffs was some kind of footie fan 'I LOVE SOUTHAMPTON' gimmick, but let me tell you - I ALWAYS DRESS LIKE THAT!!
I MEAN DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I AM??????
I AM PAUL PIOUS JAMES GIOVANNI £RD
I WRITE A BLOG - PEOPLE LOVE IT!!!
IT ONCE GOT TO NUMBER 69 IN THE MYSPAZZ CHARTS!!!!
etc etc etc etc
Anyway, The NME in the Library....
Well, I took a closer look at this piccie that appeared to be Noel Gallagher and it was in fact of Alex Turner of everyones favourite beat combo, The Arctic Monkeys..
Yes boss, Turner was sporting that same dull casual dress, the Buberry, the sideburns, the 'I'm so fucking ordinary and dull, I could be anywhere, doing anything and you wouldn't notice I'm a fucking rock star' look....
Now, I obviously don't buy The NME, but were I to ever do so, I'm pretty sure I'd place it in the toilet, where I usually keep 3 or 4 papers, mags and books to pass the time....
Yes boss, in my efforts to improve my reading back to the good old days of 9 or 10 books/mags a week, I've placed a good stash in the toilet to keep the words coming in, as I sit - and let it all out...
Well, one of the ones I've got in the khazi at this point in time is entitled:
The Worlds Greatest Crimes of Passion
Yes boss, as those close to me already know, I plan to die aged 69 of either arsehole cancer, or as the result of a crime of passion, and in order to familiarise myself with the second of these two options, I've been reading up on the whyfores and the do you mind if I do's so as to get some groundwork in...
The Worlds Greatest Crimes of Passion is a great book. Full of double crossing two timing shits and lurid harridans, frayed tempers, pure and obsessive love and lots and lots of murky violent death....
The most curious thing I've learned so far, is that in France and certain other 'un-named' Latin countries, you can get off charges of murder if you can prove you were driven to the killing by a momentary lapse of reason brought on by passion....
Yes boss, you can kill him and get away with it if you can convince the jury he was a love rat!!!
I mean, here in the UK we don't give a fuck...
You killed for love?? WHO GIVES A SHIT!!! 25 YEARS IN THE SLAMMER AND NO FUCKING PAROLE!!!! AND DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!
Anyway, I was sitting there on the can, reading this book and an idea for a new rule to rival this one came into my head....
The rule is this.
If you feel you've been personally insulted by someones music to such a degree that you become murderous, you have the right to kill them IN COLD BLOOD!!! without fear of any reprisals from the state...
I reckon it's a great idea.
For one, it'd do wonders for the quality of music produced and ramp up the calibre of pop stars, from the current weak crop of flop sop copycats, to folk who aren't opposed to a little ruff and tumble - folk who aren't afraid of death...
Furthermore, we could reinvigorate our flagging fear of terrorism (AKA FEAR OF A PIANO FALLING OUT OF THE SKY) induced tourism crisis by offering 'KILL A POP STAR' package tours....
COME TO BEAUTIFUL BRITAIN AND KILL ELTON JOHN!!!!
HOLIDAY IN HAMPSHIRE AND WHACK CRAIG DAVID!!!
Well, as you may have guessed, those boring young Monkey bastards who haven't even hit their 3rd LP, before looking like newer and duller Quoasis clones, would be the first on my list...
 | Currently listening :
Force Lab Edition: Composure
By Algorithm
Release date: By 22 January, 2002 | 21:35 - 30 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove |
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