Current mood: MORNING EXERCISES....
Category: MORNING EXERCISES.... Music
Yes boss, with the 2 years and 3 days of 'FREE' Giovan-works coming to a close, I'm hunting for paid written employment...
Here's my latest attempt to secure it...
Dear Front Boys…
This last Sunday, I spent a whole morning reading through Alex Sim-Wise's blogs on myspace.
I found them to be strong, honest and an all round rollicking read…
Yes boys, I read hundreds of blogs in order to be assured that mine remain the best going, and I find much of what I read to be complete fucking dogshit on legs.
But Miss Wise's words are often wise indeed, furthermore she's a good, strong, eloquent and intelligent woman in a very murky business – in short, she's gold…
Well, as I'm sure you know, in these spazzing blogs she's forever speaking highly of you and your mag and so today – convinced I needed to read your rag immediately - I repaired to the newsagents and bought a copy..
Yes boys, I was figuring perhaps your mag was just what I want to read and contribute too – something like Playboy was in the 60'sand 70's: Good writing, good glamour, good humour – the very essence of what a magazine should be without all the fluff guff…
So, having purchased a copy from a newsagents on Tottenham Court Road, I immediately found myself a seat in the coffee shop inside Paperchase, and started browsing the pages, in order to engage with a full blown epiphany AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE!!!
Yes boys, there I was looking down on all the poor shits who'd just finished their 9-5 - and there I was, having not done a good honest days work in 6 years, about to start flicking through your mag like the world was my plaything, and everything was about to get even better the minute I cracked its cellophane!!!
Well, upon flicking the pages of Front, I soon found that I was completely fucking amazed…?!?!?
Yes boys, I was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZED AT YOUR MAGS BANAL AND INTENSE FUCKING STUPIDITY…!!!
SERIOUSLY!!!
Never before have I seen so little about so much less – I was completely fucking astonished by it…?!?!?
Yes boys, I don't like to have to be rude to strangers, but I have to be honest and report what I see and that was what I saw – utter, complete and unbridled fucking useless stupid fucking guff from beginning to end…
Your magazine makes Nathan Barley look conservative, sensitive and intelligent - and it makes Liam Gallagher look like a fucking Nobel Laureate..
It's pure dogshit on legs with a tail made out of cream pie tarts and no whiskers…
Well, having rested the magazine down, I drew the conclusion that you all belong in the fucking zoo…
I mean, have your balls even dropped yet or not??? Have you ever had sex??? Do you suck milk from a set of plastic tits to aid your sleep at night or are you still taking fucking milk from your mothers warm and cosey cleats???
So...
I guess you might be thinking I'm some kind of a serious and stupid cunt who's never had a 'laugh' in their life, and in some ways you'd be right…
Perhaps, I don't properly understand the need to look at maggy pictures of nipples all day long…?!? Perhaps I am in this way retarded or backward...
But, the truth is, I don't mind porn at all, and I don't mind scantily clad women - furthermore, I do like breasts - I just don't feel the need to gawp at them that often, other than in real life…
As regards the rest of the mag (that which isn't breasts):
I know pure and base stupidity has it's place and I can assure you I've regularly engaged (and continue to engage) in it - but I don't see the need for a magazine based 100% upon it, without any balancing of and with decent and intelligent content...
Too much crazy dazey student fun is simply incredibly fucking boring to look at...
Furthermore, if you want a REAL crazy zaney wild night out, just ask, and I will happily take you all through the perfect storm. It will put you so far underneath the table you'll think the beer soaked carpet is your sister….
Truth is, I pity you, and your sorry new dumb publication, and because of that (and because I want to get paid) I'm gonna make you an offer…
Yes Front boys, I might be a mean, opinionated, brusque bastard, but I'm also a great believer in my charitable work - so here we go…
I will write a high quality column for your godforsaken fucking mag.
It will be called:
Paul Giovanni £rd is a fucking genius and YOU ARE ALL FUCKING STUPID CUNTS!!!!
The aim of this column will be to insult as many of your puerile, teen retard fans as possible...
Yes boys, I will analyse in detail the things I think it most likely to offend your apparently 'wanking whilst the brains were dished out' readers. I will then stick in my leaden boot with all the FURIOUS energy I can muster, in order to deliver the kind of priceless, golden insults the world wants to see directed at the idiot dumb boy children that read Front…
It will be pure fucking unbridled and stupid freedom!!! The kind of freedom you crazy lazy fucking kids claim to thrive on day in day out…
It will the best that's happened to your mag since you latched onto the genius of Miss SIM-WISE!!!
And it will make your magazine worthwhile…
It will also make £$£$£$£$£$£$£$£$!!!
Yes Fronty boys, such will be the rollicking success of this venture that your mailbag will clog up your fucking office!!
Your readership will grow quicker than the hardons in your pants each time you 'interview' one of the girls in your mag - and the readership will warm….
We will all be rich!!!
Of course, I worry slightly that a side effect of unleashing my very best rage and bile might be that I become somewhat vilified by your readers...
I'd imagine that some of your more brainy readers will probably take pleasure in sending me shit and used (for wanking) condoms through the post. Meanwhile, squaddies will take joy and and pleasure from kicking the living crap out of me in nightclubs FOR FUN!!!
But I reckon it'll be worth it for the pure stupid joy I'll get from ripping the shit from the terminally thick…
So...
For, the only rule is that the column must never be edited – change one fucking word and the whole deal will be off quicker than your models clothes are in your nightly fantasies.
Upon receipt of each issues words, £230.23 per 123 words (or whatever portion there of) must be biked to my Fish Island Yuppie Flat.
It must be paid in cash – banks must not be involved.
And for each day payment is late, you must add on another £23…
These terms are not negotiable..
OK…
For examples of my work go visit www.paulgiovanni.com and type your favourite word into the 'SEARCH' box….
From reading there you will be sure that this is a serious offer and you'll be sure it'll put Front well and truly on the map of 'magazines with ACTUAL content'
Message me quick with your response…
All the very best
Paul Pious James Deman Giovanni £rd
www.myspace.com/paulgiovanni3rd
 | Currently listening : Permanent Vacation By Aerosmith Release date: 1990-10-25  |
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