Current mood: A NEAR MISS...
Category: A NEAR MISS... Music
Of course when you revisit a place you've lived in before, you inevitably get reminded of things, and people, and events, about which you'd forgotten, or at least, things you've filed away for recall on a rainy day, in an old folks home, at the age of 97....
Well, within a half hour of landing in Norwich last Firday evening, I was reminded of 2....
Here's one of them....
October 1998
As part of my settling in to a new town, new college, new life, I am trying to ingratiate myself with a half Dutch half Irish girl called Ellen.
I've been on her case for a few weeks already and as per usual, I'm not preparred to quit...
But there are problems and one of the key ones is a French bloke called Patrice..
Yes boss, Patrice is feigning nothing doing between him and her, but I know straight away what he's about, what he wants, and that it isn't what I want....
Furthermore, I have the distinct impression Ellen wants our French friend quite a good deal more than me?!?
But such an obstacle isn't about to STOP ME PAUL JAMES MICHAEL ST JOHN DOUGLAS MICHAELSON STANFORTH GIOVANNI £RD FROM FIGHTING TO THE DEATH?!?!?
HELL NO!!!
So, somehow, one evening all 3 of us end up going to The Norwich Arts Center to see a gig..
I say, 'somehow', but with hindsight, I'd be pretty sure there's no 'somehow' about it....
No boss, I've noticed this kind of tactic being deployed by both men and women that know they're being pursued by 2 more or less equal candidates..
Basically 'somehow' they accidentally invite the both candidates along to the same event, and use the evening to 'somehow' take a good and close look at the pair alongside one another as they vy for the eye...
It's a bit like comparing holiday brochures for the best possible deal on 2 weeks in Majorca, or using the internet to compare insurance quotes..
Well, fuck knows what the gig was, but I come out of it with a fair old ammount of energy, and finding one of those 'one months free trial internet access' cd roms lying on the pavement, I immediately take to hurling it across the road as if it were a frisbee....
Seeing that this initiative might well impress Ellen, Patrice retrieves the cd and throws it back at me...
Of course what Patrice and I really want to be doing is hurling the cd or prefably something a little larger and more lethal AT one anothers heads, in order to complete the victory and move into the final stages of courtship.
But being dishonest and modern, we simply walk up the road, hurl this cd too and fro whilst Ellen looks on, observing our throwing and catching and fully evaluating (in her minds eye) how such skills might be of benefit to her and any children that may result of her bonding with either of us...
Well, this is all going swimmingly until I see a Porsche up ahead..
Now, given that the UK is now only just a whisker past a boomtime, which has seen the number of luxury cars skyrocket (caring, sharing Africa loving nation that we are) there are probably a good few Porsches up that way today, but in 1998 there weren't very many at all and I am immediately excited by the possibilities the one ahead presents me with...
I mean, as things stand, I'm sure I am ahead of Patrice on the night - but it's far too close to call a cert....
Thing is, we're both throwing the CD well, and though I'm confident Ellen has seen that I'VE ORIGINATED the throwing the CD across the road game, and have therefore shown MUCH MORE iniative, I can't be sure Patrice hasn't done something equivalent, of which I'd missed the importance of, or, that he's about to do someting equally as or even MORE impressive any second?!?
I therefore feel it highly important I nail the result home with one final and decisive ACT!!!!
'You know what,' I say as we walk towards the Porsche, 'I've always felt it possible you could run right up and over the top of a Porsche. I mean there's very little gap betwen it and the road is there....??'
'Go on then!' Ellen and Patrice challenge me.
Seeing that neither believe I have it in me to do such a thing, and knowing it's completion will unquestionably prove my guts and bravery, I take a run up, sprint up over the bonnet, over the roof and down the otherside as if it's an Olympic sport and I'm the champion!!!
I land well and feel GREAT!!!!
BEAT THAT PATRICE!!!!
Problem is, as soon as I straighten myself up, I hear an ALMIGHTY ROAR!!!!!!!!!!
Now, in the cold light of today, I have no recollection of what exactly that roar said, but I knew it was coming from a rather bulky looking man 15 or 20 yards up the road, who appeared to be accompanying his girlfriend/wife to the very car I've just run over, after enjoying a very reasonble evening out in downtown Norwich...
In a millisecond, my joy, sense of achievement, victory and excitement immediately turns to COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING FEAR AS TO WHAT KIND OF A KICKING A CUNT LIKE THIS ONE WOULD ADMINISTER IF I LET HIM GET ANYWHERE NEAR ME...
I whisper
'I think I'd better be going...'
over my shoulder
AND THEN RUN LIKE I HAVE NEVER OTHERWISE RUN IN MY FRIGGIN LIFE!!!
Well, I got away with it.
The guy harrased Patrice and Ellen as to who I was, but to their absolute credit, they said they had no idea, and that they'd just come out of the Arts Center and didn't know me and that I was probably mad...
Meat Man McGinty then got into the Porsche, gunned the engine around and about town for a while, looking and screeching the brakes up and down, returning a few minutes later to double check Patrice and Ellen know nothing, before racing off home making every effort to run over as many rabbits, deer and foxes as possible....
Meanwhile, I'm holed up in the stairwell of the multistory car park on Duke Street, from where I eventually made it back to Ellens house..
A few weeks later, I started seeing Ellen.
The relationship lasted for 3 years...
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