Current mood: GIMME A JOB....
Category: GIMME A JOB.... Music
WELL FUCK MY SPATS!!!
I missed the start of the Tour Of Britain today..
I've seen the first day of all 4 editions of this - the only decent bike race the UK has to offer - and I had every intention to see todays...
Yes boss, I planned to do my usual stalking of top riders to see what made them tick, I would then have bothered them for autographs and words of advice....
Instead, I was sitting around here all day long reading about the mafia and watching the Grand Prix and at no point did it even occur to me I might be missing out...
Thing was, I was CERTAIN it was next Sunday, and I never checked my diary TO BE SURE...
FUCKING SHIT BOLLOCKS CUNT CRAP ARSE CUNT FUCKING ARSHOLES!!!
Well boss, I'VE GOT TO RAISE MY GAME!!!!
And I've also got to start getting paid more often...!!!
Yes boss, Mrs G arrived back from France this evening and she didn't leave it any longer than an hour before reminding me about the rent and threatening HELL FIRE if I didn't have it on time (which I won't have)....
ESSENTIALLY, I NEED A PAID COLUMN!!!
I'm gonna start by approaching The Editor of The NME
What do you reckon on this as a starter for 10???
I reckon they'd be fools to turn such a darling sweet offer down....
Dear Connor….
I am writing to apply for the job of CHIEF FISH ISLAND CORRESPONDENT!!!!
Now I know you haven't advertised this position and you might think it isn't required, but by the time you've read this piece you will understand both why it is an excellent and essential position, and why you'll have no difficulty in sanctioning my commission STRAIGHT AWAY!!!
So, here's the rub.
It's struck me having read your magazine that you need a lifeline AND QUICK!!!
Yes Connor, your ship is sinking, your mag is dying and along with will go a small piece of British popular music culture…
Of course, it's not escaped my attention that your business is increasingly orientated towards live promotions, IDIOT FUCKING AWARD CEREMONIES AND OTHER SUCH CYNICAL MARKETING PLOYS, all of which are pretty damn lucrative and are perhaps the future of the NME…
It's therefore possible that you no longer give a shit for good quality written copy unless it's written by a copywriter - but just think of the kudos and acclaim you'll get if you rescue the magazine and once again make it an essential and worthwhile read…?!?
Things is, though I know I shouldn't do it, I quite regularly browse your magazine – I don't pay for it, that would be foolish - instead I go to my local lending library wherein I read each issue with a mixture of dread and despair…
It's not so much the bands you cover in The NME, as the poor quality of the writing that bothers me, and this weeks edition was worse than most….
Yes Connor, I was merrily sitting in the library reading the latest issue and I was more than half way through when I realised I'D ALREADY FUCKING WELL READ IT – it was the previous weeks copy!!!!
IT WAS THAT FUCKING INDISTINCT AND AVERAGE!!!
Now, this is clearly not good enough…
Something needs to be done – and when something needs to be done, I'M YOUR MAN!!!
So Connor, I've taken off my yellow trousers (after 2 solid weeks of wear) and I'VE JUST PUT ON MY RED TROUSERS!!!
Yes Connor, I'M WEARING MY FAKE RED NIKE AIR JORDAN 23 TROUSERS!!! AND I'M READY TO SAVE THE DAY!!!!
Here is my offer.
I am prepared to write a weekly column for you.
It will be about whatever I feel like writing about that is connected with music and it will always be brilliant, insightful, sometimes inflammatory and always at least 1 notch above everything else in the magazine..
It will examine the shitty fake poseurs who claim to be indie rock stars and it will prescribe the good common sense solutions to the current appalling condition of popular music…
It will also promote the good bands that I know to be 10 times as good as the cack that fills most of The NME…
Each weeks column will be somewhere in the region of 800 words and IT MUST NOT BE EDITED!!!!
But you can be assured it will be good!!!
Yes Connor, it won't be the kind of quick and shoddy thing that can find all over my blogs..
I WILL SWEAT BOLLOCKS FOR THIS!!
It will be heavily worked and passionately made to the very best of my ability….
It will be of such high quality that your readers will cease using their old copies of the NME for cat litter and instead start collecting them as people once did…
Yes Conn, your old readers will come flooding back and your new readers will breed like the fucking crabs did in Ozzy Osbournes 1970's underwear...
This column will demand so much of my time and effort that when Mrs Giovanni knocks on the door of my study to bring me my dinner, I will look up and say:
'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU???'
IT WILL BE BRILLIANT!!
And you'll love it so much, you'll have a bronze bust of my face installed in your fucking office…
You'll be happy – I'll be happy EVEN RADIOHEAD WILL BE FUCKING HAPPY!!!!!
So, for this excellent service, I want £1023 per column.
This payment must arrive within 12 hours of the delivery of each weeks column and it must be paid in HARD cash delivered by bicycle messenger to my Fish Island flat.
Yes Connor, we all know that banks are complete and utter CUNTS and if you pay me any other way they'll find some devious way to cream off a percentage to line their 9th fucking house with…
It's therefore cash or nothing..
This is a take it or leave it offer – I am not prepared to negotiate…
Mail me soon with a big fat YES, and I will get started..
With love..
Paul Pious James Deman Giovanni £rd
http://www.myspace.com/paulgiovanni3rd
http://paulgiovanni.blogspot.com/
PS: Perhaps you think this is a joke, but I never joke.
No Connor I make a habit of being completely fucking serious about EVERYTHING ALL DAY EVERY DAY!!!!
I'M A VERY SERIOUS YOUNG MAN AND THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS OFFER!!!!
 | Currently listening : George Clinton and His Gangsters of Love By George Clinton Release date: 2008-09-16  |
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