MELTING DOWN PT3...

Current mood: LOOKS CLEVER TO ME!!!
Category: LOOKS CLEVER TO ME!!! Life

The Royal London Hosptial sounds rather elaborate and almost posh ('Royal London Hospital BENE BENE!!!' As Mrs Giovanni's sister said), but in reality, it's a fucking shithole...

Yes boss, as my Swiss friend 'The Archangel' once said:

'Many Europeans see England as havng the facilities of a third world country. The design and build of all things in Britain, is of a very low quality..'

Well, I can't agree with this statement 100%, but these critical Europeans must have looked inside the Royal London when drawing that conclusion, because the corridors leading down to the basement, look like the kind of corridors you see in Iraqi hospitals - the ones the Iraqi's use, not the ones for the occupying soldiers...


So, we find the Ultrasound department and wait for the scan of the new Giovanni.

A very pregnant woman is sat side on to us. I can see the baby moving about. It's wierd. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!? I yell think. SIT STILL GODDAMN IT!!! GIVE YOU MOTHER A REST!!!!


Watching these ripples of unborn child, leads me to wondering exactly is in Mrs Giovanni's stomach?? One baby?? 2?? 3?? 4???

Twins would be fun. I think I'd enjoy trying to confuse them and other people with them. But more than 2, and things would get complicated - not to mention overwhelming...

One thing I'm sure about is that one of my children will become a policeman.

Yes boss, he or she will arrest me one day.

'Step into the car please Dad, I mean Sir...'


Mrs Giovanni certainly has something of the policeman about her.

When I take her record shopping, she always stands looking like a store detective. She has no interest at all in the records, so she frowns at the dishevelled sifters.

When I see her in this poise, I imagine her inner voice chunttering away.

'What are these untidy men doing in here looking at these discs?? I do not understand this?!? Why are they not doing jobs or watching television at home with their wives??? That one has the face of a criminal should be in prison!!! Do we really need records???? I think we could manage without them....In Italy, there's a saying that says 'Men who buy records don't buy bread..'.blah blah etc blah


More important than numbers or the job of this new Giovanni - at least in my head - is whether this first scan will show the prescence of the Giovan baseball cap and sunglasses???

Yes boss, Mrs Giovanni assures me this child is mine, but like all cynics, I feel I need to see the proof of my features before being absolutely 100% clear sure....


The woman scanner who can give me this assurance, is a wierd creature.

She moves me from a comfortable seat into an uncomfortable one and takes the comfortable one for herself.

She then asks ME?!? for Mrs Giovanni's birthdate?!?

How in the hell am I supposed to know that off the top of my head?!? Who does she think I am????

Mrs Giovanni fills her in on the date.

Scanner woman then scowls at me for no reason and starts scanning. and there out of the blurry black and white is one small 7.1cm x 2.3cm baby.

Awed by the beauty of the little kicker, jumping around as if he's being attacked, I take a close look at the features. Everything is there: The little heart pulsating: black then white, the legs and arms twitching and fighting away at an unknown enemy - but there is something amiss...

'WHERE IN THE HELL ARE THE SUNGLASSES AND CAP MRS GIOVANNI!!!'

The scanning woman, throws me another vicious look.

'The sunglasses and cap don't show until 23 weeks, this baby is only 13 weeks and 1 day old'

'BUT I READ THEY'RE VIEWABLE AFTER 10 WEEKS!!!!'

'Sit down and shut up Mr Giovanni' Scanner woman replies

I do as I'm told...


We go home via the supermarket and the pet shop.


Mrs Giovanni likes supermarkets very much indeed.

'Just relax and walk around and we can take our time and really enjoy it!!' She says as we revolve the door. The look of joy on Mrs G's face suggests we're entering heaven, not Sainsburys.

'Oh jesus...'

I think


The pet shop is a lot more fun because it's full of pets.

Mrs Giovanni is enamoured with the cutesy little kittens.

'Cats are stupid Mrs Giovanni!!!' I say 'Look at that one - it's lying in the litter tray!!! It thinks it's clever, but it's lying in it's sibblings shit!! Birds are far more useful and they're certainly more clever.'

Mrs Giovanni frowns


The pet shop has 2 parrots. The smaller of the two - a white one, comes cageside and says 'HELLO?!?!'

'Hello!!' I reply 'How are you??'

The bird doesn't reply. Instead it repeats:

'Hello''

Regardless of this lack of conversational development, I'm enamoured with the parrot and immediately realise I need to buy a parrot as soon as possible.

I will train it to point out my seplling errors and my career will gather pace...