Current mood: HUNGRY!!!!
Category: HUNGRY!!!! Movies, TV, Celebrities
Pop culture watchers will have noted the death of Oscar winning film director Anthony Minghella at the untimely age of 54..
Director of The English Patient and The Talented Mr Ripley amongst other rather overblown and pomptastic films, Minghella was part of the upper middle class intellectual heart of the much laughed at British Film Business..
Yes boss, Minghella was a wholly hegemoic film maker - but he was a talent and for this reason and another, I feel sad to hear he’s gone...
’And another??’ So I guess you’re gonna draw a weak and feeble link between Minghella and either yourself or Fish Island now??
DAMN RIGHT!!! AND IT’S IN NO WAY FEEBLE IT’S INTRINSIC!!!!
Here we go...
April 2006
Mrs Giovanni and myself are living in a peculiar Maisonette far too close to Brick Lane. We have been living separately and then together in this area for too long.
Yes boss, the talentless fashionista are impinging on my brain to such a degree, I’m begining to consider wearing retro clothes. I’m thinking of setting up a trendy record shop (that will also sell coffee) rather than writing eternal words!!! I’m thinking that maybe I should spend more time with my hair and much less with the contents of my head..
Worse than this, I’ve become involved in the British film making business..
Yes boss, tired of written failure, haemoraghing friends by the day and binging on top level televised cycle racing, I notice alot of filming is going on in the hood and I start asking questions as to what it’s all about.
Well, I’m just getting down this new film avenue and we get notice to quit from our landlord.
Yes boss, Mr Trees wants to sell all 12 of his properties to go into ’Old People’.
The clever old bastard has noticed (like any good entrepreneur of that time) that the bottom will sooner or later fall out of the hugely inflated London housing market and that his hugely improved wad stands to be wiped out - or at least downsized.
He’s therefore decided to sell up at what had to be close to the peak of the market to go into buying an old folks home.
For the Giovanni’s, this is both a good and a bad time to be moving..
Good because I, Mr G owe aroundabout £50,000 on 7 credit cards, 3 overdrafts and 2 Personal Loans from a range of high street banks and having not paid a penny on any of it for more than 6 months it seems likely there’s to be imminent ’knocks on the door’...
My fantasy head therefore decides that a good move away with no forwarding address could send the Bailliffs into the buffers for enough months to nail me a hugely lucrative publishing deal or highly paid role in a film....
I can then use a few notes from my wieghty advance to poke up the cokey noses of said baillifs, before absconding out of the country to Ranch Giovanna, leaving a trailing smokey V sign in my wake...
But this is bad time because my credit rating is obviously shot to shit.
Furthermore, I have no full time paid employment, neither do I want any, and in the age when you need to fill out a fucking and thorough and complete exam to have a chance of getting a good place to live both of these are firm nails in the coffin of moving house...
But a good house is just what Mrs G is demanding.
I mean I would (and have) happily lived in a fucking garage, but Mrs G wants a nice place. She wants a flat with a window in the bathroom, a gas hob. She wants a clean place as central as possible. We need 2 bedrooms to be able to comfortably host my cultural archive and I want a view (not neccesarily a good one) and some piece and quiet.
But we both know that most estate agents will laugh in our faces and ask me from where their money will come???
I figure the only way to get this job done, is to completely immerse myself in the world of East London estate agency.
Yes boss, I become a professional house hunter!!
I spend the best part of 3 months browsing thosands upon thousands of classifieds and estate agents windows. I view more than 30 houses, flats and rooms. I learn all the tricks and cover angles. I work out which agents are bribeable and amicable to bend the rules should the truth of my professional and financial situation become known.
I AM MR EAST LONDON PROPERTY!!!!
Well, after all this action and effort, we find a place that compromises on a coupla things, but has 2 bedrooms and a gas hob. It’s central enough, good for transport and on budget. It even has a can of stella in the fridge and a bag of garden compost in the front room.
THESE ARE SIGNS - AND WE SIGN UP!!!
Then 4 days before we’re due to move the landlady decides she’s gonna rent it out to her little Johnnys student friend and we’re left completely high and dry..
PANIC!!!! MY 3 MONTH WORLD THAT’S LEAD TO ME BECOMING KING OF EAST LONDON PROPERTY CRUMBLES TO DUST!!! I AM FAILED EAST LONDON PROPERTY HOUSE HUNTER!!!
I buy 24 cans of beer in order to find a solution. I drink 11, shout and scream and wake the next morning, to hear Mrs Giovanni pouring the remaining 13 cans down the sink..
I HATE HER!!!!
But what to do - our extension of extensions ends in 2 days and we have nowehere to live???
A days round of double quick estate agent action leaves us 4 places to view.
The first 3 aren’t inspiring. We have a puncture on the bikes and it’s raining.
In the photo, our last hope is a rather spacious, new looking place in the back of beyond. It’s bound to be a pure fucking lie of an image, but all other options are exhausted so we agree to take a look...
We park up the bikes at the agents office and Grant takes us there in his motor..
"I reckon it’s an up and coming area" He tealls us in that lying bastard way that estate agents talk when they want your business "and Jude Law’s filming here..."
The flat is £20 a week over budget and the building isn’t even finished yet.
It has 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. It has a huge ammount of space, an electric cooker and no window in either bathroom. It has a large balcony and a nearby canal...
And Jude Law is filming there...
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