REVIEW :::: ADVENTURES IN THE BEETROOT FIELD @ FABRIC

Current mood: STIFF
Category: STIFF Music

It was around 2 hours before the supposed 2007^th anniversary of the slaying of our Lord Jesus Christ that I first set foot in the alt.mecca of the London clubbing scene that is Fabric….

Yes boss, after years of avoiding it, I finally made it to the Smithfields club to see just what the fuss is all about and now in typically generous fashion, I'm going to share my views on the place with you lot…

So, first of all: Why did it take me so long to visit a club that puts on such a fine array of electronic talent??

The thing is, I've always heard Fabric is overbusy and overfashionable and I never like to go to the same places everyone else does on general principle that such behaviour is bad for my style and worse for my mind.

Yes boss, the way I see it, hanging out like sardines with the trendy electro kids is a double bad strategy when one's trying to be unique and creatively clever. Not only will the combined force of the massed bright young things make one feel off the pace, (no matter how shoddy and cheap that pace might be). One can also usually rely on an over heavy barn door policy at such places (MAXIMUM PEOPLE + MAXIMUM PRICES) …

Well, I went this time because I didn't need to worry about the entrance fee - I was guestlisted to review and see Louie Austen so i figured what the fuck?

For the uninitiated, Louie Austen is an Austrian crooner of the old school who at the age of 64 has failed to retire and is instead putting his smooth vocals on top of dancey electro numbers on Klein Records and then playing gigs in nightclubs.

It's a strange idea and one that isn't totally convincing me, but I like the style of the effort and felt sure I could get a better handle on the mans current and actual talent LIVE …

A full review of Louies set will follow on one of the other sites I write for, but in this piece I'm gonna concentrate on the environment and experience that is Fabric and that alone…

Fabric

Well, the first thing I can report is that getting inside Fabric is a little like undertaking an army assault course:

There's the queue and then the search, and if you're not on the guestlist you have to provide ID.

What the fuck ID has got to do with anything I don't know. I guess the bouncers want to pass the hours they have to spend loitering outside by laughing at your passport picture. Whatever the reason, we all know crime will probably be wiped from the face of the earth if we all show ID on the way into trendy nightclubs, so let's not quibble or argue...

NO!...

So, once you've cleared passport control, you have another queue up the stairs where you show your ticket. You then join another queue where you hand your ticket in or pay the £13 to £15 entrance fee and then, (sound of heavy breathing, general lack of fitness etc) you finally (anything up to an hour after arriving) get to a staircase that takes you towards being IN da club!!

Fortunately, I managed to nail this assault course in about 15 minutes and feeling pretty damn clever with my effort, I repaired to the bar to start drinking myself stupid...

It was there and then that I noticed my one major beef with Fabric: the disgraceful beer situation.

Basically, like many such joints, Fabric only sells bottled beer and personally, I fucking hate beer out of bottles.

It's not just the cost, (tho that's a joke in itself at £3.50 for what is essential half a pint) so much as the amount of time you have to spend queuing at the bar to get refills when bottles are involved...

Yes boss, if you have any kind of alcohol tolerance and want to get drunk inside Fabric, you'll need £50 minimum, plus a willingness to wait in queues at the bar for most of the night and all for what???

Well the night I attended wasn't typical.

It was called ADVENTURES IN THE BEETROOT FIELD and unlike most of the other nights at Fabric, AITBF hosts bands and DJs…

We're basically talking 3 rooms of music all told, and after locating everything and reading my program, I spent the lions share of my time on the balcony of Room 1 from where I starred at people all night and tried hard to avoid a very attractive girl who'd fallen in ecstacy love with me..

What I saw other than glorious visions of riotous and filthy sex with this LOVED UP girl was this:

A DJ would play some half decent techno and rave for about half an hour and by then the crowd would be jumping JUMPING!!! Then a band would come on, the crowd would calm down and slowly dissipate and start taking photos of one another and be looking for their mates and applauding politely….

Yes boss, AITBF was as plain an illustration as I've seen of the fact that bands are all but dead as a way to spread musical excitement in 2007…

I'll go further: With maybe 10 exceptions that I know of, bands are done for as anything other than status quo providers. I'm of the opinion that everything musical you can do with a band has been done ten times and there's next to nothing new to be heard or seen. Most lyrics are crap and most band members little more than dullards repeating history because Oasis convinced the foolish amongst us that they were something other than a very good comedy duo…

As for Louie Austen, well he was OK. He had some novelty, but as with the rest of the acts I saw, there wasn't too much to write home about other that he put in a good effort and deserves respect for being up at that time, let alone out in nightclube performing to kids....

And the club??

Well I can see why Fabric is rated so highly: It's like a huge rabbit warren with wide staircases mostly populated by people trying to relocate important parts of their brain.

It's clearly very well organised: The sound system is excellent and there's a sheen of quality about things that might make you purrrrrrr if quality is what you like in a nightclub….

For me though, £13, to listen to vaguely average bands amidst 3000 school kids in new rave clothes and on drugs, whilst carrying a heavy cold and been asked for £7.00 for a pint of beer isn't the kind of sttricutes that will ensure my regular attendance at a club night.

Sure if they get 'Eugene Machine' and 'they came from the stars I saw them' 'Le Couteau Jaune' 'Konono No 1', 'Femi Kuti' and 'Sparks' on the bill I'd pay double or trebble and drink my own piss to conserve alcohol, but otherwise no so…

This said, how fair is it to review a dance club on the one night it has bands??

Not that fair really, so for part 2 of this, I'll be going to a techno night featuring Andrew Weatherall. For that I'll forget my beer issue altogether and instead take 14 pills (hidden in my passport, disguised as my face) after which time I'll proceed to loose my fucking mind for a week or so before reporting you back the details…

In the meantime I'll be drunk elsewhere…

VB
PG

Currently listening : Congotronics By Konono No.1 Release date: By 27 September, 2005

01:20 - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

	Emily	I was in London for 2 weeks in 2005. Of course the day after I left Louie Austen was doing a show at a club there. If I could go back I would've stayed that extra day. :( Posted by Emily on Thursday, April 12, 2007 at 01:43 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	: THE FUTUREPROOF MUSIC BLOG BY PIOUS GIOVANNI :	Well, as Orbital once said: 'It's better to regret something you have done rather than something you haven't'...But I'm sure you'll get another opportunity..PG:+) Posted by : THE FUTUREPROOF MUSIC BLOG BY PIOUS GIOVANNI : on Thursday, April 12, 2007 at 02:21 [Remove] [Reply to this]

	they came from the stars, i saw them	you might want to forward your review to AITBF. another bunch who seem to think that the stars have got musical fucking leprosy. Posted by they came from the stars, i saw them on Friday, April 13, 2007 at 12:24 [Remove] [Reply to this]

: THE FUTUREPROOF MUSIC BLOG BY PIOUS GIOVANNI :

I'll be doing just that....Nothing i saw there was half as good as the stars.... Posted by : THE FUTUREPROOF MUSIC BLOG BY PIOUS GIOVANNI : on Friday, April 13, 2007 at 15:03 [Remove] [Reply to this]