Current mood: THE TRIALS OF A MANS LIFE....
Category: THE TRIALS OF A MANS LIFE.... Music
Michelle and I were married way back in 1991.
It was a tornado romance:
One minute I was starring at Minnie Mouse, as part of a fact finding trip to Disneyland - the next I'd fallen hopelessly in (what I believed to be) love with a girl who was visiting the popular theme park as part of a 'fashion facilitation'..
After 3 hot days of pursuit and bitsy games, we found ourselves running from our cares and responsibilities to Las Vegas, where we were married (no questions asked) in the Church of Holy Rock by an Elvis impersonator (real name: Frank)
That fine sunny day, Michelle was dressed as Madonna and was 'given away' by a man we found in a bar who bore a striking resemblance to Buddy Holly. I PG£ or PPGG (as I was then known) was dressed as Michael Jackson (glove included)..(After the vows were exchanged I couldn't help but mutter the immortal words (Who's BAD??!!))
It was a beautiful day.
We both looked GREAT!!!
We were young and in love and the world was at our feet!!!!
But love can be cruel and it pains me to say that our marriage didn't last well.
No boss, we soon divorced...
Now, out of respect to Michelle, I won't go into the details of the split, except to say that 3 months and 4 days in, there was an appalling misunderstanding on her part - we split up, a disaster occurred and IT WAS ALL HER FAULT!!!!
FACT!!!!
Yes boss, we lost the magic that we so joyously had.
It was gone like a bird on the wind...
Gone
gone
gone...
The break up was horrendous, I didn't eat, I only drank whiskey and tea, and read only the work of the ancient and wise philosopher Machiavelli and the popular mens magazine Playboy...
But Michelle and I remained 'in touch', and in 1998 we attempted to reconcile.
Things initially looked good.
Michelle moved to London and we immediately bought a dog called Mitsy - an animal we felt sure would help to heal the breached bonds of trust and wounds of pain that were tearing at both of our hearts..
But 4 days later Michelle's conference on 'Mens Fashion' was over and she left like a thief in the night leaving me holding Mitsy and my own heart, bleeding
bleeding
bleeding
Time passed.
Occasionally we'd talk or shout and scream hatred down the phone to one another (just like lovers do), whilst our existing girlfriends or boyfriends looked on. Other times we'd go months without even a phone call....
On occasion, I had the distinct impression we might never see or talk again, but when Michelle asked me to be her 'friend' on myspace in 2007 I had an idea.
I realised that, as with everything nowadays, the continued success of the Giovanni brand would require very heavy merchandising.
Yes boss, the days when one can get by on words and words alone are long gone. I knew I needed to claw back some kind of emotional (or better still) financial payback for the pain the marriage caused me, and so an executive decision was made to elect Michelle to my private staff....
A strange plan you might think?!?
But no.
Since leaving me destroyed and ruined, Michelle has gone on to carve herself a very successful career in the fashion business.
Yes boss, rather than attending to my dinner and repairing my socks, these days Michelle travels the world and hangs around with blonde Hollywood types. She's a full blown success who eats alligators in China and bi-annually travels to all the worlds main cities to buy clothes...
Meanwhile, I've been struggling, needing a PG£ perfume, a range of PG$ plastic doll figures, PG£ T-shirts, PG$ souvenir mugs, a PG$£$£ cooking device, a P$£$£$$$$ sunglasses endorsement and a PG$£$£$£$$$£££$$££$$ CLOTHING RANGE....
AHA!!!!!
I had a moment of reason!!!
Yes boss, I saw a perfect opportunity to cash in on her success (that (if we're being honest) could surely only have been due to her brief association with me PG£), I therefore put the idea to her that......
WE SHOULD CREATE A RANGE OF GIOVANNI INSPIRED CLOTHES CALLED WHORA....
Comprising a yellow and red sporty look (with fish motiffs) Whora was and remains one of my very best EVER ideas set to make us both HUGELY AND FABULOUSLY RICH!!!
Michelle smelled the coffee..
Things started well, we jotted down ideas and exchanged pleasantries via email, - everything looked good...
But soon old sores resurfaced, and after a series of vicious exchanges between both ourselves and our respective legal teams, the Whora plans were put on ice INDEFINITELY....
As a result of these ever lengthening and bitter procedures, I was recently advised by my lawyer to put off naming Michelle as my Official Stylist and Clothes Designer and to instead simply name her The Official Ex-Wife until all legal matters had been completed to our mutual satisfaction...
And that boss...
is the story of The Official Ex-Wife to Paul Giovanni £rd
(PS) If you're reading this 'chelly darling....CALL OFF THE FUCKING LAWYERS OR ELSE I'LL GET REALLY NASTY!!!!
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