There's press stunts and then there's PRESS STUNTS!!!
A press stunt is The Arctic Monkeys dressing up as characters from the Wizzard Of Oz (why??) to not accept a bunch of Brit Awards in person, to wide and smugly acclaimed cool..
HO HO HO!!! HOW WE LAUGHED!!!!
Meanwhile, A PRESS STUNT!!! is marshalling a whole bunch of journalists to The Isle of Jura on the summer solstice, making them dress in yellow cowls, feeding them ectsacy, ordeing them to parade around a giant wicker man like priests - then torching the wicker man!!!
A promo trailer can be found below and the full 30 minute audio version of the ritual event can be streamed and/or downloaded by clicking the quad bike..
Now, to anyone who's followed his trials of life this is no surprise, in fact, perhaps the only strange thing about this most recent incarceration, is that it almost happenned under the radar of the popular press..
Yes boss, since Amy 'drink the' Winehouse has become Britains favourite junky fuck up, Pistol Pete has almost slipped from public view other than when he's popped around to see Winehouse....
So, as to not forget the poor scallywag as he slums, here we go with an old piece about the time I saw Mr Doherty and Babyshambles perform..
December 5th 2006
I'm awake all night, and I'm in a very strange mood indeed..
Why?
2 reasons:
Firstly:
The England Cricket team are in the process of snatching an incredible defeat from the jaws of certain victory in the 2nd Ashes Test Match against Australia.
Secondly:
At 9am tomorrow I'm due to watch Babyshambles record I Love You, But You're Green for BBC 2s The Culture Show and for a reason I can't quite understand I feel badly bothered about this…
So why am I bothered by Babyshambles and Mr Pete???
I drink tea and tea and MORE FUCKING TEA, reverse my gambling positions, try and put the circket out of my mind and think…
I soon figure that a part of it, is that I'm annoyed by the musical genius myth of Doherty and that by going to see him and gawp, I'm pandering to a made up, style over content, star obsessed celebrity cult of Junky Pete - a cult (one of the few) I don't believe in.
Yes boss, it's Doherty's lifestyle, drug habits and girlfriend, rather than his music and electric performance genius skill that's made him a big and well repeated household name.
Neither The Libertines or Babyshambles have made trebble platinum, or sold out Wembley on the back of their name alone. They haven't had 6 consecutive number ones or had a ten year career loaded with classics we all know and love and I'd be more than willing to bet that if you stopped 10 people in the street and asked them to sing a Pete Doherty song, at least 9 would struggle to pull it off - even though 99 out of a hundred would know who he is…
This being the case, why should I - an eminently unknown musical music critic, trying to make a big fat shitty name for myself, be wasting time on someone who's yet to touch me - or for that matter - most of the population in any real and musical way?
Am I already becoming another sad old star fucker journo, going along with the dull indie tide just because it's there??
Another theory I have, is that I'm battling some kind of a moral position...
Yes boss, perhaps, deep down, I know I'm going to see a freak show - to see a man on his way to the modern equivalent of the cross - a creative human sacrifice - and there I'm gonna be in my fake beard shouting "STONE HIM!!"??
But if I really gave a shit about that sort of thing, why on earth am I involved in any kind of entertainment or creative business whirl?
Shit, it only takes the briefest of glances behind the scenes of any creative enterprise, to see that the whole game's corrupt, voyueristic and canibalistic by it's very nature. Creative art feeds on misery and destruction as art always must, and no matter how many old morals suggest I should, I certainly shouldn't be disagreeing with this state of affairs - if only because there's no point disagreeing with the inevitable..
Not convinced by either of the above, I start to think about Kate Moss, or Katherine as I prefer to call her...
AH HA!
Maybe I'm annoyed because, like many idiot boys, I've had a part time crush on Moss for years, and the one and only time I've seen her in the flesh, and been in any position to do anything about it, was in the pub about 3 weeks before her and Pete's relationship appeared to start, and then because I was clad in an outfit equivalent to that worn by Vince and Jules after The Fox has hosed the remains of Marvin from them, in the film Pulp Fiction, I didn't dare approach her, she didn't return my gormless stares and then she was gone....
Perhaps I dislike and fear the idea of Pete because he's fucking the most desiredly famous woman in the country and I'm not??
Well, all of these and various other ideas come and go, and as I listen to the worst sporting capitulation my goldfish memory can recall, I know that though all ideas have validity, none really add up to the full trick.
I therefore put such thoughts aside, make it in to the venue for the recording, watch and wait to be impressed.
The strange thing is that from the word go, I'm very impressed with both Pete and Babyshambles.
Contrary to the myths of lateness and bad behaviour, the band arrive on time, or perhaps a bit early. They walk onto the stage as if they'd just popped out for a packet of fags and the audience were paintings on the wall.
Without fucking about, they then get on with playing their music as if it's the most natural thing in the world. There's no pretentious concern about the sound check, any discernable ego or nasty attitude to be seen. They simply play like they want to play, and like playing is their life. It's fluid and smooth and a pleasure to watch, meanwhile Pete the hooligan bad boy junky shit head motherfucker behaves like a charming, quiet and pleasant young man.
Yes boss, from begining to end, I thoroughly enjoy the performance and here it is.... (complete with my audience big bald head and green cardy in the middle and bowing at the end...)
It's very much later that evening, or perhaps even the next, that I work out the true nature of my problem…
I'd been nervous because I was to be in the presence of someone who'd done what so many seek to do when they take on London or Hollywood or New York or any other seething modern day metropolis.
Pete Doherty has started a creative project (2 in fact), seen them succeed to some notable degree, swum in the celebrity lake of filth that's followed and nearly killed himself in the process…
One minute I was starring at Minnie Mouse, as part of a fact finding trip to Disneyland - the next I'd fallen hopelessly in (what I believed to be) love with a girl who was visiting the popular theme park as part of a 'fashion facilitation'..
After 3 hot days of pursuit and bitsy games, we found ourselves running from our cares and responsibilities to Las Vegas, where we were married (no questions asked) in the Church of Holy Rock by an Elvis impersonator (real name: Frank)
That fine sunny day, Michelle was dressed as Madonna and was 'given away' by a man we found in a bar who bore a striking resemblance to Buddy Holly. I PG£ or PPGG (as I was then known) was dressed as Michael Jackson (glove included)..(After the vows were exchanged I couldn't help but mutter the immortal words (Who's BAD??!!))
It was a beautiful day.
We both looked GREAT!!!
We were young and in love and the world was at our feet!!!!
But love can be cruel and it pains me to say that our marriage didn't last well.
No boss, we soon divorced...
Now, out of respect to Michelle, I won't go into the details of the split, except to say that 3 months and 4 days in, there was an appalling misunderstanding on her part - we split up, a disaster occurred and IT WAS ALL HER FAULT!!!!
FACT!!!!
Yes boss, we lost the magic that we so joyously had.
It was gone like a bird on the wind...
Gone
gone
gone...
The break up was horrendous, I didn't eat, I only drank whiskey and tea, and read only the work of the ancient and wise philosopher Machiavelli and the popular mens magazine Playboy...
But Michelle and I remained 'in touch', and in 1998 we attempted to reconcile.
Things initially looked good.
Michelle moved to London and we immediately bought a dog called Mitsy - an animal we felt sure would help to heal the breached bonds of trust and wounds of pain that were tearing at both of our hearts..
But 4 days later Michelle's conference on 'Mens Fashion' was over and she left like a thief in the night leaving me holding Mitsy and my own heart, bleeding
bleeding
bleeding
Time passed.
Occasionally we'd talk or shout and scream hatred down the phone to one another (just like lovers do), whilst our existing girlfriends or boyfriends looked on. Other times we'd go months without even a phone call....
On occasion, I had the distinct impression we might never see or talk again, but when Michelle asked me to be her 'friend' on myspace in 2007 I had an idea.
I realised that, as with everything nowadays, the continued success of the Giovanni brand would require very heavy merchandising.
Yes boss, the days when one can get by on words and words alone are long gone. I knew I needed to claw back some kind of emotional (or better still) financial payback for the pain the marriage caused me, and so an executive decision was made to elect Michelle to my private staff....
A strange plan you might think?!?
But no.
Since leaving me destroyed and ruined, Michelle has gone on to carve herself a very successful career in the fashion business.
Yes boss, rather than attending to my dinner and repairing my socks, these days Michelle travels the world and hangs around with blonde Hollywood types. She's a full blown success who eats alligators in China and bi-annually travels to all the worlds main cities to buy clothes...
Meanwhile, I've been struggling, needing a PG£ perfume, a range of PG$ plastic doll figures, PG£ T-shirts, PG$ souvenir mugs, a PG$£$£ cooking device, a P$£$£$$$$ sunglasses endorsement and a PG$£$£$£$$$£££$$££$$ CLOTHING RANGE....
AHA!!!!!
I had a moment of reason!!!
Yes boss, I saw a perfect opportunity to cash in on her success (that (if we're being honest) could surely only have been due to her brief association with me PG£), I therefore put the idea to her that......
WE SHOULD CREATE A RANGE OF GIOVANNI INSPIRED CLOTHES CALLED WHORA....
Comprising a yellow and red sporty look (with fish motiffs) Whora was and remains one of my very best EVER ideas set to make us both HUGELY AND FABULOUSLY RICH!!!
Michelle smelled the coffee..
Things started well, we jotted down ideas and exchanged pleasantries via email, - everything looked good...
But soon old sores resurfaced, and after a series of vicious exchanges between both ourselves and our respective legal teams, the Whoraplans were put on ice INDEFINITELY.... As a result of these ever lengthening and bitter procedures, I was recently advised by my lawyer to put off naming Michelle as my Official Stylist and Clothes Designer and to instead simply name her The Official Ex-Wife until all legal matters had been completed to our mutual satisfaction...
And that boss...
is the story of The Official Ex-Wife to Paul Giovanni £rd
(PS) If you're reading this 'chelly darling....CALL OFF THE FUCKING LAWYERS OR ELSE I'LL GET REALLY NASTY!!!!
For me, the first 2 G'N'R LPS (Lies & Appetite) were decent records. In fact I'd go as far as to say AppetiteFor Destruction is a GREAT record!!!
But the Use Your Illusion 4 record set was one good LP, a few b-sides and a whole bunch of crap, The Spaghetti Incident was smothered in tomato sauce and the band without Slash isn't Guns 'N' Roses ...
But try telling Axl that...
Whatever happens - here they are at their very youthful best...
Current mood: DISCO DAVE... Category: DISCO DAVE... Music
Well, here we go with an opportunity to get your hands on a rather fine disco electro rootsy kinda mix by The Eugene Machine..
Yes boss, there's lots of good stuff on here, most of which I didn't previouisly know, so I'd certainly recommend you wander on along and dowload it....
Here is the first Why Are We Sleeping? radio mix available for free download. We've mixed together some of our latest finds with some long-time favourites, including James Holden, Shriekback, Silicon Boogie & Bill Nelson into one almighty 30 minute rooster booster!
At only 34mb, it's the best mutilated music mix you can put on your pod!
Current mood: SELL SELL SELL!!!! Category: SELL SELL SELL!!!! Music
All good things come to an end and whereas The Glastonbury Festival probably never will, I'm getting the feeling it's been past it's BIG TIME peak and I think the current unsold tickets are proof of that ..
Yes boss, though I've not been along since the year 2000, after the 2007 edition of the festival ended in ANOTHER mudbath, I had the distinct feeling that 2 years of shitty weather, together with all this over ID organisation, the agressive denial of freeloaders (like PG£) and too much listening to the police's advice (since when have the police ever organised a good music festival?!?) was going to damage Glastonbury's alt.appeal...
Of course I'm not the only person to have an opinion as to why Glastonbury is struggling to sell out in a single day....
His idea is that Glastonbury, is a guitar based festival (like Oasis) and Hip Hop isn't guitar based (like Oasis are) so it's therefore all Jay Z's fault (not Oasis's fault), which is a viewpoint with all the sophistication, intelligence and exactness of the music of Oasis..
But, whereas I can accpet that Umbrella might well not be flavour of the average Glasto goer, that ain't even in the top PG£ 3 of reasons as to why the tickets are so far unsold
The below are
1) TOO MUCH SHITTY WEATHER: How many times do the same people want to walk around a mudbath and barely hear bands because the festival is worried about noise pollution??
2) Overkill: Glastonbury is becoming too well known
3) Recession: The Glasto crowd these days is predominantly composed of young. well meaning middle class folk. Alot of these new young professionals have mortgages, and as much as they love a good shindig in the mud and opportunity to buy a new reusable canvas shopping bag - they'd really rather have the mortgage paid any day of the week...
4) Comeptition: Every man and his dog is organising a festival these days.
Shit, when I was a lad, there was The Pheonix, Reading & Glastonbury and that was it - nowadays there are more festivals than there are pubs in London, that between them accomodate for every different angle on the idea of a festival... Yes boss, along with the big festivals there are a host of others like The Big Chill which are begining to do 'Glastonbury' as well - if not better - than Glastonbury currently is.
5) ID SHIT: All this ID shit to buy a ticket is HORSESHIT!!! You shouldn't have to have photo ID to attend a firggin music festival. I don't give a fuck what the police advice is. IT ISN'T HOW IT IS!!
And if it is, the Glasonbury organisers should stop their festival for a few years and see how much the police like the hundreds of small illegal festivals that would crop up in it's place
I'm sure a lot of the white kids that make up the bulk of the Glasto crowd don't much like Jay Z
But I fully respect the organisers decision to challenge the audience and book him
Furthermore, I think Jay Z will do a good show.
I mean give me him over the Arctic Bleeding (bore me to tears) Monkeys ANY DAY OF ANY WEEK!!!!
Seriously. Hip Hop can and does work LIVE
I only went to The Reading Festival once (1994), and I didn't think that much of it, but the best guy on show was Ice Cube. He turned the crowd over like no-one else. At the begining of the set, droves were leaving, but as he got going, droves were going forward to see his action. HE WAS BRILLIANT!!!
Furthermore, the best act at that aberation that was LIVE8 was Snoop Doggy Dog...
So, here we go with The Paul Giovanni solution to ensure that Glastonbury sells out.
1) DITCH THE ID SHIT AND MAKE THAT FENCE JUST A LITTLE BIT POROUS!!!
2) MOVE THE FESTIVAL TO AUGUST TO IMPROVE THE LIKELIHOOD OF GOOD WEATHER!!!
3) STOP ALL THIS PICKING POP STARS FOR HEADLINERS!!!
Have not the best headline sets of recent years been by (then) smaller stand in bands like Pulp?!? Bands who have been there or thereabouts, but are yet to hit their peak?!? Bands who will really grab the opportunity rather than treat it as just another stadium gig...
Jumping the fence even when I could afford the ticket was just great fun, and anyway I always spent my fare share inside!! Too strict criteria is off putting when your thinking of going on 4 day bender of all sorts and they know exactly who you are, it changes the vibe, no more pillow cases of weed etc.... Its not about the line up its about the vibe and that has gone,. Oh and the recession is also a big factor at those prices for a weekend!!
What I want to know is why aren't people working hard and creating wealth instead of sitting around on their asses smoking pot and listening to mostly shit bands (sponsorred by Vodafone)?!?
I think things'll soon change.
Festivals are a product of boomtime and boomtime is well and truly over...
I think you got it nailed I was there for the pulp gig, it was truly awsome But the levellers? As far as I know the levellers where every middle class teenager pretending to rebel against there parents favorite band. and they where just goddamm awful!
Jay-Z will put on a good show. Granted, its not quite what comes to mind when I hear "glastonbury" but it is 2008 and I guess the times are changing...
The Levellers were a perfect Glasto hippie trustamuffin band and were guaranteed to get any festival going on a drunken dance, not the greatest band but a great live band none the less. And nothing tops seeing sonic Youth Following Tony Bennet in the knee deep mud body aching trench foot setting in smoking an 8" long pipe of weed and hash and the sun finally coming out and the magic of the setting becomes apparent that musical transcendance will always happen at Glasto, you go for the unexpected not the expected, and it's always odd things that grab you like the stoned rasta at the roller disco moving around at the slowest pace possible shambling along as our hash truffles kicked into the coffee with a shot of pear brandy kicked the morning into place.
Most of my favourite Glastonbury memories are of acts and bands I knew nothing of or events way beyond the expected. That's the spirit of the event and the thing that made it stand way above everything else that was on offer until these last few years when some of the smaller festivals have caught up a little...
On it's day The Glastonbury Festival is the best city on earth...
You..ve hit the nail on the head! Jay-Z is far from the best hip hop act but he..s famous enough (Or dare I say commercial enough) to pull in a big crowd. Having seen Snoop Dogg cause a moshpit oasis wouldve been proud of i agree hip hop can work. Its a Live event Not a Genre-fest. The unexpected always works better.. What could be more rock n roll than not being rock n roll? Having never been to Glasto but a T in the Park veteran (9 out the last 10) I think success brings it..s own problems. Once it gets too big it loses it..s edge a bit. Thats why last year people were talking more about The Beastie Boys (Sorry Noel) at Connect or Daft Punk @ Rock Ness (Sorry Noel) rather than Snow Patrol closing the main stage at TITP. ID for a festival is WRONG! WRONG! WROOOOOOONG! Bad weather is always a risk in Britain no matter when it is! "David Cameronesque" Lol New adjective :) The Levellers are far from my idea of great music but they really kicked the weekend off at T in the Park a few years ago with Just The One almost causing a stampede of old skool hippies and spoiled rich kids together. The competition was caused by demand because of the big ones selling out in seconds (BLAME THE INTERNET!!!)
The new wave of festivals were certainly caused by the success of Glastonbury and the other bigger festivals.
I also think the old crowd of hippies upon which Glastonbury was built, are (for the most part) far too disorganised and/or unwilling to pre-order and perpare ID so they're increasingly looking at the smaller events as is the overspill crowd unable to get tickets for the bigger dos...
Glastonbury has moved on to become an interntional 'Lonely Planet' event...
Well I've just spent my £35 for tickets to Get Loaded in the Park on clapham common in August, a one day festival that I'd pay that money to see headliners Iggy And The Stooges alone, so everything else is just a bonus!! and I get to go hame and sleep in my own bed!! Bonus!!
Here's a vid about an italian music festival I've never heard of, I don't know if its as funny as claimed as my italian doesn't run to anything much beyond sear words and how to order food!!
